The days when I don't show up ✍️

26 Jun, 2025

My Cycle of Action and Inaction

Some days, I wake up clear.

I run. I write. I update my notes. I keep track of what I’m doing and what I’ve done. I feel connected to my intentions. I might even post a message in a Discord channel about what I’ll work on — because I trust myself to actually follow through that day. I feel motivated and focused.

And then there are the other days.

Days where I wake up and think, “It'll be a good day”, but it somehow never becomes one. I avoid my to-dos, even though it may harm me. I skip the check-ins. I drag myself through tasks, procrastinate, scroll, and rearrange things without doing anything real. I watch the hours pass, knowing exactly what’s happening, yet doing nothing about it.

This is the cycle I keep finding myself in.
And even though I know it, even though I can describe it, I haven’t figured out how to break it.

There’s a version of me that feels aligned. That person has energy. That person is calm, focused, and accountable. He runs hard, plans his day, and takes pride in finishing things. On those days, systems like my task list or notes work exactly the way they’re supposed to. On these days, I'm on top of things. I know exactly what I need to do and will go for it. I blog, I take snapshots and share them, I interact with people (off- and online),... I'm present.

But then there's the other version.

He lacks mental energy. He avoids all systems. Doesn’t update notes. Doesn’t take action. Doesn't share or interact. Instead of doing what matters, he fills the day with noise and feels guilty at the end of the day. Because he knows better. He knows he should take action. But he can’t bring himself to start.

I’ve looked at this pattern for a while now.
And some possible conditions that could have an impact.
But while aware, I haven't found the perfect combination.

Ok, sleep is a big one.
When I’m well-rested, my chances of showing up increase significantly.

Running, especially high-intensity, makes a real difference in my mental energy. The problem is that, as I either need to drop the boys at school or go to work, I can only do it in the evening, when the day has already played out. I'm thinking I might squeeze in a short session before work on days I'm working from home, but this has a consequence that I'll need to work in the evening, which I'm not familiar with.

I’ve also noticed that tools like accountability (posting my plans in a Discord) work really well… But this only works on good days. On a bad day, I don’t even think about those systems. I skip them completely. And without the act of showing up publicly, there's no tension to follow through. It’s like my support system disappears exactly when I need it most.

I’ve considered body-doubling, but the idea of joining calls with strangers feels too draining for my introverted side.

Most of my colleagues work abroad, so I don't need to go to the office, but I’ve tried going there to “force” focus. It helps. But even there, I sometimes catch myself getting sidetracked and don't feel good at the end of the day.

As said, these are conditions that might have an impact.
I could go for "Get enough sleep and go to the office". Or "Get enough sleep and use online accountability". And I tried.

But still, there are days when my mind is not in the correct state.

The loop I keep finding myself in feels like:
Hope → Intention → Drift → Guilt → Avoidance → Repeat

I start with thinking it'll be a good day and start on something, but by getting slightly sidetracked go completely off-track.

The most frustrating part is how conscious this all is.
It’s not that I don’t know what’s happening, it’s that I do, and still can’t seem to stop it.

That self-awareness doesn't prevent the inaction.
It didn't help me crack the code.

The days I feel on don’t follow a formula. And the off days come without warning. And once I’m in the low energy, low focus space, I forget everything that helps me. I forget that movement creates clarity. That a single to-do done can start a chain. That even one small post in an accountability space makes a difference.

I forget it all — until the cycle resets and I feel like myself again.

What I need to figure out is how to create a crack of light on the dark days. One small thing that doesn’t require motivation. Something that gets me started. Something that gets me going. Something that gets me out of the bad loop.

I haven't found it, yet. But I’ve decided it’s worth writing about.

And maybe, by naming it, I’ve taken the first step out.

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

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#2025 #2025-06 #article #blogging